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I swear to you, there were people jumping out of windows. I piss all over their feet and they lose it.
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That’s why they call it number two: It’s number one plus another number one. Because when you go number two, you also go number one. All the council saw was me pissing on their feet. I go up and raise my hand and turn around to face a table of councilmen, and I push and I s- -t on a pizza box.
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Then I come up and I’m naked and the guys love it. They go up and give a speech about how I’m trying to change, how I’m trying to become more of a serious person. The next year, my buddies ask me, “Are you gonna do a naked speech?” I said, “I would, but I’m afraid I’ll s- -t all over the place.” They’re like, “That’s perfect!” So we go and get a tie. And I’m not really well-endowed, so it became almost surreal to these guys. It killed, and it killed because once the shock of me being naked wore off, I’m still delivering a nine-minute speech naked. One time, I went up totally naked with a tie on and delivered a speech that said I had nothing to hide. I’d write a song about the brothers or something. What would happen is, I’d grab the mic and use it as an opportunity to get laughs. I’m the guy who needs to be front and center. I suffer from an inability not to grab the mic. He looks at me and Tony and goes, “Now that’s how you get out of paying the check.” Naked ambition Tracy comes out and he looks like he’s been beaten. Tracy ripped off his shirt and the bouncers were on top of him. I’m the rich in here! F-k that white boy, he works the door,” he said. Tracy got up and caused somewhat of a ruckus. When the bill came, the waitress gave it to me. We drank a ton of Champagne and I had some Heineken. They all come to me with their stories: “You should have heard what he did to me.” The truth is, I was just a young, white comic, and I know for a fact that Tracy has a history of messing with young, white comics. So now you’re in that gray area where you literally feel high with anxiety, and you’re spiraling because there is the possibility that you smoked PCP. If you go home, you’ll think you’re on PCP.” You’re fine.” I’m like, “Seriously?” Tony said, “Listen, don’t go home. I ask my friend Tony Woods, and he said, “No, Tracy doesn’t smoke PCP. I said, “This tastes funny.” He tells me, “Oh, it’s wet.”
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We took a left and walked down the block, to either Thompson or Sullivan. I was working at the Boston Comedy Club, standing out front “barking,” trying to bring people in to watch our comedy show. Here, he shares tales from some of his wildest nights of partying, including a few from the days when he lived in New York. Kreischer has plenty of stories that never made it into the movie. And then I started telling stories about me onstage.” Bert Kreischer shows off a beer belly in Russia, where he “studied” during a junior year abroad. “I was like that up until I was 35 years old. I was always the guy who others told stories about,” Kreischer tells The Post. I was never one to tell you stories about me. In it, he writes about his unpredictable, Forrest Gump-ian life, including the time he was briefly in a band with the dude from Creed, and the time he cried on Whitney Houston’s shoulder while his daughter had dental surgery. Kreischer is responsible for “Life of the Party: Stories of a Perpetual Man-Child,” a collection of outrageous anecdotes, on sale May 27.
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I had nothing to do with it,” Kreischer, now 41 and a stand-up comedian and TV personality, says of the frat comedy.
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The resulting article, called “The Undergraduate,” which detailed Kreischer’s out-of-control drinking, merrymaking and public nudity, made him a star - and inspired the 2002 Ryan Reynolds movie “National Lampoon’s Van Wilder.” Kreischer’s name had been mentioned by nearly every student the writer had spoken with as someone who knew his way around a bash. He got a call - as he was in the middle of doing bong hits, naturally - from a magazine journalist interested in writing about FSU after it had been anointed the country’s top party school. That’s what happened to Bert Kreischer during his sixth year at Florida State University back in the late 1990s. A spread in Rolling Stone magazine won’t hurt, either. The ability to summon literally thousands of people to a house party is also good. What does it take to be named America’s greatest partier? A strong liver, for one.